Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
we should paint friendship bongs
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
