Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
meet me or not, i'm out of control
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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