i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
