why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
