just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
