Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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