This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
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its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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