OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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