How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
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I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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