My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
