i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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