Your face is a jimmy john
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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