I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
