does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
