So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
