please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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