Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
