So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
