Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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