At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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