I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
