he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Your penis caused this!
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