Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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