I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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