I just gift wrapped bread.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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