Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize