remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Mom said you looked used
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
