If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
