He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
