Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
