I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
