WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
