How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
