The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
