Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
