if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
