No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
