dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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