I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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