Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
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A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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