it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
