Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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