I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
