Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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