Taylor Swift is so right about you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
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Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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