why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
