Yo dont text me then not text me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
