if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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