If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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