I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
