I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
