I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
