You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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