Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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