All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
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