Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
