Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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