that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
