I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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