You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
