Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
