Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
